'A reptilian piece of garbage': A dude's recap of 'Bachelorette' Week 4

'A reptilian piece of garbage': A dude's recap of 'Bachelorette' Week 4

Each week, after watching The Bachelorette with my wonderful wife, I’ll share my perspective on the drama that unfolds as Dallas native Rachel Lindsay embarks on the unrealistic quest for Mr. Right.

I’m doing this for the guys out there who sacrifice their Monday nights during Bachelorette season. I’m doing it for people who want to laugh with me at the show. And, most importantly, I’m doing it for love.

Here’s what we saw in week four of season 13. (This post contains spoilers. If you didn’t know that until this parenthetical, you should work on your context clues.) Don't see embedded photos, GIFS or tweets below? Go here.

This week's episode shows us a heavy dose of trash talk, the dark turn of Lee's character, a smiley blimp date and a lazily-planned group date. Let's get to it.

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The show starts as any good story does: With a grown man yelling about his name being “in other people’s mouths.”

We pick up where we left off two weeks ago -- the show took a one-week respite last week because of the NBA Finals -- with a whole lot of bickering back and forth in the house. Lee becomes the ring leader this week, opening with the admission that he enjoys talking noise and ticking people off. Lee is bad. Don’t be like Lee.

There’s a short debate about the pronunciation of the word “quirks,” and then Make Out Guy (Bryan) puts the moves on Rachel. He scores points by saying he’s not participating in the house drama, and Rachel says his charm is “too good to be true.”

Meanwhile, Kenny and Lee are fighting because Lee interrupted Kenny’s alone time with Rachel -- one of the overly-exhausted plot lines in the Bachelor franchise -- and Lee drops this gem:

“I get tickled when I smile and an angry man gets angrier.”

Rachel overhears some yelling and proceeds to go on a diatribe of sentence fragments about pressure and being judged that I won’t pretend I fully understood.

Lee gets what is surely a producer-initiated last rose at the rose ceremony, while three solid dudes get the boot: Brady the male model, Bryce the elven firefighter, and Diggy the nerdy-but-fashionable inventory analyst.

Kenny’s reaction to Lee’s rose is everything.

Blimpin’ ain’t easy

Dean, the giggly 26-year-old startup recruiter, gets the one-on-one date. He and Rachel sit on a car in the middle of a field and then act surprised when a blimp arrives and they get to go in it. It’s The Bachelorette, Dean, you aren’t going to sit on a car all day.

While freaking out about his fear of heights, Dean says it would be romantic if the two of them died in a blimp crash.

Dean giggle-frets his way through most of the blimp flight. He and Rachel, who I’m pretty sure don’t have their pilot’s licenses, get to fly the blimp for a bit before they make out a little bit.

My favorite part of the date is the classic fly-by troll job toward the end of the blimp flight. It flies by the house where the rest of the guys are, and scrolls a bunch of messages like “Dean and Rachel Forever” and the guys get all irritated. It’s hilarious.

At dinner, things take a somber turn. Dean shares a heartbreaking story of his mom’s fight with breast cancer -- one she ultimately lost when Dean was just 15 -- and the ensuing struggles he faced in his late teenage years. He says he hasn’t shared the story with anyone until now.

His self-conscious laugh saves us from a real teary moment, but the viewer feels for Dean and Rachel is swooning over his vulnerability.

They leave dinner without eating, and it’s off to a Bachelor staple: the impromptu concert in the street, by an artist I’ve never heard of, where the couple dances uncomfortably in front of hundreds of adoring fans.

My wife -- this is the first time I’m calling her that in a WFAA article, and it’s really cool -- Kate, discovers that Dean’s Instagram handle is @deanie_babies and I have a hearty laugh.

Boat boredom?

All the remaining guys minus Jack Stone get to go on the group date, and they go out on a boat. They clearly don’t have anything planned for the day, because the guys resort to freestyle rap battles, limbo competitions and general shirtless revelry to fill the time.

Maybe Dean and Rachel really didn’t have any plans earlier and were legitimately surprised by the blimp, idk.

The group date continues with a spelling bee, because that’s maybe the only thing more lame than the boat date. Some poor son of a gun gets eliminated on the word “boutonniere” after the guy before him had to spell “stunning,” which just doesn’t seem fair.

It’s kind of like when I lost the fourth-grade spelling bee to Chris Dachniwsky, who won on the words “dolphin” and “unity.” Like, really? But no I’m not still salty about the second-place finish.

Anyway, after some embarrassing misspellings and a couple not-safe-for-work words, Josiah wins the spelling bee. He is gloating constantly and I hate him.

During the evening after the group date, we revert back to arguments and drama in the house. I’m convinced these guys are like werewolves, but instead of turning into a wolf at night, they turn into eighth grade girls.

Iggy taddles to Rachel again, this time on Josiah. And while I now hate Josiah and his attitude, this is still not a good strategy on this show. It will spell Iggy’s demise soon enough.

Josiah says “with all due respect, Iggy’s a b***,” and it’s totally cool because he prefaced it by saying “with all due respect.” That’s how that works, right?

Kenny and Lee continue their spat, and each talk about the other during their time with Rachel. It should be noted here that Lee is quite drunk.

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Kenny calls Lee a "reptilian piece of garbage," and it's clear Lee has gotten into Kenny’s head. We’re hit with another “to be continued” and a tease ahead to a tense TWO-NIGHT EVENT next week.

Kenny is shown to have a bloody eye next week, and I can almost guarantee you it doesn’t come from a physical confrontation like they want you to believe.

Bachelor fantasy? Sweet!

I’ve officially gone on the record with final four picks of Dean, Bryan, Peter and Josiah. I now hate the Josiah pick, because he’s shown his true colors as an arrogant tool.

© 2017 WFAA-TV


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