Y’all, we had three hours of The Bachelor on Monday: fantasy dates and a Women Tell All.
The short of it is: Raven had an orgasm, Rachel had a tumble and Vanessa had some questions. And of course, our bachelorette went home.
So let’s get to it. The long story?
Well, after Raven’s alleged orgasm, Rachel and Nick meet up for their one-on-one. We all knew her demise was on the horizon, but the true end seems to be when Nick said, “I might be white, but I’m still a minority.” Yikes. She admits she’s falling for him and takes the fantasy suite card. The next morning Nick makes her eggs, but ladies, get a man who makes you waffles. No compromise.
Vanessa comes next with a date to an ice bath, sauna combo, but the iciest conversation comes from discussing both of their hardheadedness and Vanessa’s core values. But those core values weren’t enough to send her home, because it’s ultimately Rachel whose final goodbye comes before finale night.
And for you eagle eyes who caught that note handoff from Rachel to Raven:
Women Tell All
But for the Women Tell All, we welcome back some of our favorite no names like the other Jasmine, Angela, and Lauren. Who? Exactly. But that’s what the tell-all is for: the opportunity for girls who left us too soon to haphazardly engage in drama they were never involved in. It’s amazing.
But the best moments belonged to:
Girl least relevant but most wonderful on Women Tell All
“Unleash your inner Khaleesi, but you were acting like a slob kabob!” — Elizabeth.
Least popular napper
“Everybody naps, just like everybody poops,” wise words from a multi-million dollar businesswoman turned nap connoisseur. For a season fueled by vitriol, for the girl who refers to herself as “not the brightest crayon in the box,” Corinne has her moment on the couch only to have the other girls take that moment to really flesh out how terrible Corinne's napping habit is. She wins everyone back by bringing out samples of Corinne's cheese pasta so it’s chill.
Russian orphan-turned Bachelor contestant gives us a closer look into what it means to turn your life “from black and white to color.” In reviewing Kristina’s journey, it’s a harsh reminder how difficult her journey has been. Moreover, it’s one of those rare moments that brings all these women from the minutiae of napping pre-rose ceremony to the reality of the world outside of, well, reality. It’s a sobering moment in an insane two-hour drama-fest.
Most likely to get punch thrown on her at the reunion
The only girl able to flip the gang from fighting Corinne to being her corner is Taylor. In her moment in The Bachelor sun, Taylor’s worst moments are placed on display, reminding the girls how terrible she is. It’ so much that Corinne leaves the stage to get herself a glass of champagne. Taylor insists that she deserves an apology for the way Corinne has ruined her life. Corinne naturally refuses to apologize.
One 'Bachelorette' to end them all
And then there was one, and man, is she popular.
With her recent departure, Rachel takes the stage to accept the crown as Bachelorette-elect, saying that she’s ready to take the challenge and so is every other girl this season because they’re all rooting for her. There’s no secret made that she’s the first black Bachelorette, but she’s incredibly charming saying that she’s happy to represent, but it’s not the center of her journey.
So with that, we’re left with a hopeful season of The Bachelorette, a dying feud between Taylor and Corinne, and of course... two women remaining—who is it: Raven or Vanessa? We’ll find out next Monday and put an end to the saga of Nick Viall.
Follow producer Katie during The Bachelor on Twitter at @K_Sakala.
Special to USA TODAY