Sex is a major part of a healthy relationship

6:26 PM, Feb 10, 2010   |    comments
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  • Kelly and Andy Lockwood
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(WZZM)- Valentine's Day is just four days away and that means love is in the air, but learning how to speak the language of love your partner needs isn't always easy.

Intimate love languages reach beyond the flowers and candy -- to the bedroom and the give and take you need to have a satisfying sexual relationship.

It's hard to know how to make your mate happy if you speak two different languages and the same goes for love.

If your partner is buying you flowers and writing you love notes, but your heart yearns for clean dishes, then you're speaking two different love languages.

"If you're not making gestures that really fit the other person you might as well be speaking Chinese to them. It's just not gonna go anywhere." Remi Rakipi is a marriage counselor with Rivertown Counseling, she says a disconnect between partners isn't something to ignore because it can lead to problems, "As they start feeling less and less together, less and less connected they start putting their energy into other areas and the relationship eventually erodes."

And when the relationship erodes -- so does the sex life,"Sometimes couples will stop touching all together, they might stop sleeping in the same bedroom together they might stop enjoying hand-holding or touching or kissing or affectionate touching."

So how do you stop this from happening?

"It's not about one person winning and one person losing it's about negotiating through all of those conflicts through all of those fears and talking about needs in an open and honest way.", Rakipi says that includes talking about sex - very intimate details about sex.

"What couples need to look at is what do they fantasize about and what do they think about sex. What really constitutes great sex for somebody that can be radically different for two people."

Rakipi says there are three different camps when it comes to the language of love: sexual trance, partner engagement and role playing.

Rakipi says the toughest one to express is a need for is role playing, "You want me to wear that that is not me how could you want that and actually feel like their integrity is challenged. Why do you want me to be something I'm not?"

Andy and Kelly Lockwood have been married for 9 years and have two children under the age of 5. They say they're pretty open when it comes to talking about sex, "We give each other permission to say every interaction doesn't have to end in sex and it doesn't have to be disappointing. If we try something and it doesn't feel right we can still enjoy each other and spend time together."

They seem to have solid communication so we asked them to work through a discussion about role playing. For Andy, it was a concept he wasn't comfortable with, "I guess for me the problem with role play if somebody suggests it - it just feels like well - they want somebody else besides me. I don't really understand it."

Kelly admitted it could be fun to try so we asked her to help Andy get through his anxiety, "Encourage him or reassure him that this could maybe spice up our sex life. But right now I mean how much sex can you get in while a Barney video is on?"

Handling it with a little bit of humor helped, "I think I could enjoy it actually. It might be kind of fun. I'm a big Kiss fan and they're like the kings of masquerade and being somebody else. Yeah, that would be something maybe you could dress up like Gene Simmons. "

Kelly has her own hang-ups - like not feeling as desirable since she's had two kids, "He bought me lots of lingerie and I always wait, I'm gonna lose weight before I wear the lingerie but and of course I have fantasies about losing weight but the reality is it hasn't happened so maybe I should just put the lingerie on."

Talking through your different sexual needs doesn't just bring more enjoyment to your relationship Rakipi says it also brings more intimacy - on every level, "This is part of what getting close is about is building all those dimensions of emotional intimacy, mental intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy."

So that the next time your partner wants to express their love for you they'll speak your love language and give you exactly what you asked for and more.

Differences in sex, money and time are the three major factors that bring couples to marriage counselors.

 5 Love Languages

 

By Valerie Lego

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